The EU Blue Flag Award

Are you a country, a protectorate, or a mere strategic pebble with seas (should any remain) and shores (if they aren’t currently under litigation) that are technically “clean”? If so, you might be eligible to hoist an EU Blue Flag, much like the one Gibraltar triumphantly captured this year. Within the sanctuary of this award, you will find beaches so pristine they appear only in films or the fever dreams of travel agents.

While certain EU nations still scramble for this prestigious scrap of nylon, their unfinished water treatment plants ensure the flag honors only the sand. The waters, however, are a different matter entirely. There is a separate “award” for the liquid abyss, and we strongly encourage locals and tourists alike to avoid swimming in these seas to escape unwanted diseases and the inevitable litigation that follows under the labyrinthine EU directives.

We are still deciphering how to categorize protectorates in the wake of Brexit, but rest assured: the waves belong to the Union. Therefore, we advise you to avoid the water entirely. Simply bask in the extreme heat of the shoreline or the safety of an unaffordable five-star hotel pool.

Conditions for Eligibility Any landmass or administrative ghost within EU borders must possess:

• A valid, existing beach (mirages do not count);

• Certified documentation from warehouses, corporations, or luxury hotels confirming that their waste is being effectively and enthusiastically jettisoned into the deep of the sea;

• A valid certificate proving current EU membership or a soul-crushing subscription to the accession process;

• A compatible legal framework wherein EU jurisdiction can be applied the moment the first lawsuit hits the shore.

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