In a leaked 300-page contract obtained exclusively by this publication, heaven's entire infrastructure migrates to AWS by Q2. Hell remains on-premise "for legacy reasons." Purgatory is serverless. There is a free tier.
Shareholders approve. Astronomers do not. The sun has declined to comment. Deal expected to close Q3 2026 pending ICC review.
The document calls for a "spiritual blockchain" and condemns fiat as "a false idol with poor liquidity." The document was minted as an NFT.
Economists are puzzled. Billionaires "disagree with the methodology." The methodology was arithmetic.
Officials clarify the Inquisition was "conceptual" and the Crusades were "vibes-based foreign policy."
The new "AirPass" tier offers premium oxygen during peak hours at $0.03 per cubic centimeter.
"Better late than never," says spokesperson who appears to genuinely believe this.
Meta's "FeelingOS" promises to simulate empathy at scale. Rollout begins Q3. No beta testers survived.
I am the biggest, most beautiful turd
the world has ever seen or smelled.
No one makes a turd like me—
the scientists are baffled and compelled.
— D.J.T., Karma Cycle IV
The trap was my invention.
I designed the spring, the wire, the bait.
Efficiency demanded I test it first.
I bit at 3am. Mars can wait.
— E.M., Karma Cycle II
I circle. I persist. I feast
on what others call a wound.
They wave their hands to shoo me.
I was never going to be removed.
— B.N., Karma Cycle VII
I strut. I puff. I stare down eagles.
My chest is very large and proud.
Then November came, as it always does.
I ran. But I ran very loud.
— V.P., Karma Cycle III