Colombia’s New Narcissist President
Last August the 7th, date in which the Land of Christopher Columbus won the independence from Spanish colonization in the bloody war of Boyacá. Abelardo De La Espriella assumed the presidency of Colombia, openly refusing to renounce his North American citizenship. The first head of State to govern the South American nation while officially retaining a US passport, he views dual loyalty as a sound exit strategy. Donald Trump quickly rewarded this political allegiance by sending one billion dollars as a conditioned gift for the new administration. In the hands of a former defense lawyer who built his massive fortune representing criminals, we think that these funds aren’t going to be touched, not a single dime, by the mob. The dark transparency is rarely a serious priority for a man accustomed to securing legal acquittals for the absolute highest bidder.
During his recent inauguration, De La Espriella paraded in a military car, deliberately adopting the aesthetics of a 1930s Nuremberg rally. He governs under the self-appointed moniker of the strong tiger. However, these animals are lonely, wild creatures completely incapable of actually ruling communities. He borrows his daily political playbook directly from the “Orange Head”, transforming national leadership into a synchronized display of narcissism and convenience. De La Espriella has proudly promised to sign more executive mandates than his US counterpart in a competitive sprint toward total deregulation and corruption. He has also promised more war, deciding the last two centuries of constant conflict were simply not enough.
The president’s ideological flexibility is a matter of public record. He recently campaigned as a convenient Christian, totally abandoning the atheism he previously professed on television. Faith is just another personal asset to be acquired when the electoral market demands it. He promises to quickly cleanse the country of violence. This bold pledge comes from a professional who spent his legal career bribing the chain of law and guaranteeing criminals a life out of prison. When the acquittals failed to materialize, he would routinely take the advance payment and abruptly disappear.
For the next four eternal years, the presidential administration will function as a circus performance inside an armored cabin. Political rivals have spent countless months mocking his bald head and hair implants. The presidency simply allows him to construct a much larger national illusion. He has promised to subordinate the interests of the entire population to the United States, surrendering sovereignty with the eagerness of an inmate bending for a master to penetrate him in the showers. This is Macondo, a vast wilderness that many have attempted to subdue. It must now somehow survive a misogynist, animal, and nature-hater leader who views the State as an asset to be plundered for cash. The absolute amateur of power is at the helm. The formal contract is signed. The lawyer has finally inherited the lucrative estate.
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