Trump reincarnates as a turd (again) E-Rat Musk caught sniffing mousetraps Pope Fetis floats in jar for eternity Xi Jinping clips own wings, calls it policy Netanyafly swarms peace talks Karma market up 12% on new tariffs Trump reincarnates as a turd (again) E-Rat Musk caught sniffing mousetraps Pope Fetis floats in jar for eternity Xi Jinping clips own wings, calls it policy Netanyafly swarms peace talks Karma market up 12% on new tariffs
Vol. MMXXVI · №419
—

Raw Literature

"All the news that's unfit to consecrate" — since the last Kali Yuga
Geopolitics Reincarnation Desk Capital & Carnage Samsara News
Lead Story · April 19, 2026

The Wheel Turns: World Leaders Face Their Cosmic Performance Review

A special report from the Reincarnation Desk. Seventeen heads of state, two dictators, a Pope in a jar, and one very confused venture capitalist line up for karmic re-assignment. Analysts grim.

By Santi Ospina & Chris Langebeck 8 min read Filed from Hiriketiya
☸
Illustration · The Wheel of Samsara by S. Ospina

Today's Dispatches

Updated hourly · Nothing is sacred
Tech Oligarchy

Babyface Prime Files For Emotional Damages Against His Own Algorithm

The rusted machine claims HR violated his right to feel nothing. Case dismissed on grounds of redundancy.

Capital & Carnage4 min
Geopolitics

Vladigobble Issues Threat, Thanksgiving Cancelled Across Four Time Zones

Analysts uncertain whether the turkey will be basted, roasted, or annexed. Stuffing reserves at historic lows.

Reincarnation Desk6 min
Religion

Pope Fetis Still Floating; Laboratory Declines To Comment

Visitors advised not to tap the glass. The vows, unfortunately, are holding.

Sacred & Profane3 min
Culture

Hydrussell Brand Grows Third Head, Launches Fourth Religion, Sues Gravity

Sources confirm the new podcast will be about "mostly forgiveness, mostly his."

Opinion5 min
The Americas

Donald Turd's Approval Rating Flushes; Toilet Reports "Overwhelmed"

Paper shortage blamed. Or possibly praised. Language getting difficult to parse.

Samsara News2 min
Europe

Markpendix Rutte Ruled "Medically Unnecessary" By NATO Surgical Council

Removal recommended before rupture. Peace not guaranteed. Side effects include: more of this.

Reincarnation Desk7 min
Silicon Valley

E-Rat Musk Purchases Small Country, Immediately Loses It In Couch

The country in question is "reaching out to see if anyone has seen it." Ketamine blamed. Then unblamed. Then rebranded.

Capital & Carnage4 min
The Arts

Xi Butterjin's Wings Officially Clipped By Own Regulatory Commission

The commission, when asked about freedom of flight, said freedom of flight had been restructured for efficiency.

Authoritarian Desk5 min
⟲ The Reincarnation Desk presents ⟳

Political Samsara

Spin the wheel. See which world leader karma has cooked up next. A caricature, a confession, a sentence served in the skin they deserved.

Press spin to begin
Who's Next?
Karma is watching.
The wheel awaits your touch. One spin and the cosmos reveals which leader has been cast back into the stream — as what, and for what sins.

The Deck of Fate

Swipe right to condemn · left to pardon
0 condemned · 0 pardoned

Samsara News

Quick hits from the karma beat
01

Orbagga The Gutt Swallows Own Parliament; Opposition Describes Digestion As "Slow"

Europe · 2h ago
💀 412 · 🤡 288
02

Marine Le Penalien Lays Eggs In Mediterranean; Brood Hungry For A Name

Cosmos · 4h ago
👁️ 901 · 🔥 221
03

Jordarmpit Pimple Peterson Weeps Into Mirror; Mirror Requests Restraining Order

Psychology Desk · 6h ago
🤡 1.4k · 💀 680
04

JD Lounge Upholstery Tests Positive For Five Substances, Two Emotions

The Americas · 9h ago
🤡 2.1k · 🪦 330
05

Erdogasm Issues Decree From Depths Of Own Decree

Middle East · 12h ago
🔥 544 · 👁️ 412
06

Gustavo Cobra Still Swaying; Flute Player Not Actually Playing

South America · 1d ago
💀 288 · 🤡 412