The Trump’s Island Scam
I have undertaken this exhaustive writing exercise to inform you of everything we have achieved and discovered during this particular vacation getaway with my daddy’s favorite courtier and my husband, Jared.
The day we swam to the shore of Sazan Island in Albania, which I’m fairly certain sits just off the coast of Louisiana, despite being in the Mediterranean Sea, I discovered an uninhabited landmass overflowing with that tedious green stuff people call nature.
Obviously, I immediately took corporate possession of the entire landscape for our next highly celebrated luxury hotel scam. Mercifully, no one is resisting our conquest. In fact, the de facto owner, the Albanian Prime Minister, gratefully altered the country’s environmental laws just so our Affinity Partners project can occupy it forever.
This island, called Sazan, promises immense profitability with its pristine white sands and turquoise waters, an absolute goldmine for high-end real estate. Admittedly, it currently suffers from far too much biodiversity, but a fleet of bulldozers and a generous pouring of industrial cement should suffice to modernize this idyllic piece of paradise.
On this land, which I have graciously renamed “Trump’s Island,” the local inhabitants are lovely and apparently very passionate about our historic arrival. The local culture seems entirely foreign, though in my heart, I still believe we’re practically next door to America. As for the trees, of which there are aggressively too many, we can clear-cut a few hundred to erect ultra-luxurious suites. These will serve nicely for when we grace the property with our standard two-hour vacation tours.
Remarkably, no one has refused our terms. The locals on the streets seem highly keen on the idea that they might one day work for us. It’s a delightfully cheap-labor country, after all. In fact, they seem so eager they might just hand us absolute power over the entire nation like a personal kingdom. But let’s take this amazing destiny step by step.
Yours,
Ivanka
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