T-Rex for Sale

The conditions of business for the auction of “Gus,” the Tyrannosaurus rex, estimated at a modest $20 million with an opening bid of $19 million, are meticulously tailored for individuals whose offshore bank accounts and scientific ignorance are as colossal as the Late Cretaceous predator itself. Naturally, Sotheby’s, Inc., the curator of this scientifically catastrophic transaction, magnanimously “welcomes” partnerships with academic institutions, fully aware that university paleontological budgets have been systematically gutted by indifferent governments.

These exclusionary business conditions apply strictly to elite oligarchs capable of driving up bids until the currency digits blur into existential meaninglessness. While the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology (SVP) consistently warns that commercializing such specimens permanently deprives peer-reviewed science of crucial holotypes, our terms guarantee that the highest hammer price wins. To cover our massive overhead, a hefty “Buyer’s Premium”, typically up to 25% on top of the hammer price, is levied to fund our incredibly futile, luxury-enabling services.

Because “Gus” was legally unearthed on private U.S. land, specifically in the fossil-rich Hell Creek Formation, the law treats this ancient heritage as mere real estate plunder, neatly bypassing federal protections like the Antiquities Act. Our glossy catalog describes “Gus” as “a breathtaking masterpiece of natural sculpture,” an aesthetic framing designed specifically to bypass the ethical acquisition policies of major museums that refuse to display commercially traded fossils. Consequently, we offer no guarantee regarding scientific context, stratigraphic mapping, geological data, or anatomical integrity.

Any guarantee of physical condition is strictly “as is.” Under our standard Conditions of Business, we disclaim all warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. We do not check if the skeleton is a composite of plaster and hope. We accept no liability for the fact that you are purchasing a glorified jigsaw puzzle of mineralized calcium. By registering for this auction and undergoing the mandatory corporate brainwashing session prior to entering the showroom, you irrevocably agree to be bound by these conditions of business.

We reserve the absolute, unquestionable right to alter these rules mid-auction to maximize corporate profits and honor our sacred commitment to the top 1% of the planet. Ultimately, it remains your choiceless responsibility to study these shifting terms. This ensures that when outraged academics inevitably protest that this prehistoric, irreplaceable heritage belongs in a public trust, our ironclad indemnity and legal clauses prevent anyone from ever suing us in the name of science. Welcome to the ultimate extinction event: the complete and utter commodification of deep time.

Want to explore more, visit Samsara News!