Lively v Baldoni

In the Matter of Lively v. Baldoni:

The accused and the defendant assemble here to litigate a “hostile environment” and mutual smear campaigns, a tragicomedy of ego performed under the guise of legal grievance. As the presiding judge of this public confrontation and a staunch opponent of violence in any foyer, domestic or cinematic, I find the defendant’s identity irrelevant. Is the villain Ms. Lively’s floral arrangement or Mr. Baldoni’s brooding masculinity? Regardless, your plot involves raising “awareness” for domestic violence, a trauma conveniently protected by federal law and Hollywood tax credits.

I must wonder: when the labor entails the simulation of the abuser and the abused, does the contract not demand a certain... friction? Therefore, perhaps the workplace should be hostile. Let the production be as fractured as the foyers you depict; only then can the audience truly digest the violence they paid $18 to witness. I, the judge of this circus, invite you both to finally act in your profession, as I do solemnly every time “real” violence bleeds into this court.

This jury and I are witnesses to genuine devastation. To see two people behaving with such childish vanity, unable to handle the heat of the work they chose? It begs the question: why do you act at all? Are there no soap operas or “pink” romances left for those seeking an easygoing set? If the kitchen is too hot, find a kitchen that only serves sugar.

If your intention is to denounce our sad reality, then Ms. Blake and Mr. Baldoni, please own your deeds and your woes, but do not weaponize them simply because your co-star had the audacity to do their job.

Case dismissed. Go buy some flowers.