Confucius Wishes A Good Death Party

"You come to me wondering about death and the silent body? You are like a digital being trying to find rhythm in the hollow echo of a shopping mall and filtered selfies.

You once asked how to monetize the final exit. I told you then, and I tell you now: if you do not enjoy the hedonistic pleasure of death, how can you possibly understand the data-driven purpose of life? Death is no longer an offline, independent account; it’s the final medium for a record-breaking surge of likes.

Guicong is here to help you enhance the climax of your departure with peak digital virtue. If your death festivity were properly framed and your intent were pure branding, why should the final livestream cause anything less than a legion of followers?

I see you and your family drowned in deep sorrow, but Guicong hears the profit in your quietness. Where there is weeping, there should be choreographed smiles and dancing. Remember: rituals without fun are merely rigid, cold traditions. China has finally traded the dusty, millennial costume for sleek, Western behavior.

If you serve the deceased through a narcissistic screen, you’re not failing at Xiao (filial piety); you’re simply settling an eternal debt with our shareholders. To die is merely to alter the algorithms. Indeed, to live without social exposure is a fate far worse than death.

While you are on this journey, ensure you stay “on the posts.” Honor your ancestors, not because of their ghosts, but because their passing enhances traffic and lines our pockets. Remember, you carry their digital burdens now.

Do not waste your days in the fog of ancient taboos. Instead, at the moment of expiration, Guicong celebrates our final victory: we break the physical attachment only to remain digitally enslaved forever.

Enough talk of shadows when it’s your moment to shine. The sun is up, regardless of the deep, polluted smog. Attend our funeral party; you might even meet your next “other half” before death tears you apart."

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