The G7 Gossip Summit
In Évian-les-Bains, the seven elite leaders of our beautifully dystopian world have convened a lavish summit to gossip about the planet’s rapidly collapsing current affairs. France, acting as the extravagant host, joins Canada, Japan, Germany, Italy, the United Kingdom, and its rebellious former colony, the United States. These self-appointed major economies deliberately exclude the consolidated economic superpower, China, which is still dismissed as a mere “emergent power,” especially by a newly re-elected Donald Trump, and Russia, another nuclear power that comfortably retains its paralyzing veto within the United Nations Security Council.
Several crucial, terrifying topics dominated the heavily fortified gossip room. Chief among them was the ongoing geopolitical circus determining who calls the shots and who meekly obeys; the brutal, ongoing invasion of Ukraine; and the tragic, normalized humanitarian catastrophes in the Middle East, where everyone carefully whispered around Benjamin Netanyahu’s domestic and international legal problems. Beyond these inconvenient global crises, the summit members spent their closed-door sessions wondering how to work together to enrich themselves and appease their corporate sponsors. Finally, they eagerly discussed how to accelerate corporate labor force replacement using advanced artificial intelligence platforms.
To ensure their private corporate gossip remained undisturbed, France deployed sixteen thousand police officers, gendarmes, and military personnel, establishing an exclusive red security zone. This draconian security perimeter completely sealed off the scenic shores of Lake Geneva, proving that democracy is best protected by keeping the public entirely locked out. Interestingly, the entire international event had to be rescheduled by an extra day just to avoid clashing directly with Donald Trump’s sacred birthday celebrations.
While the elite classes dined on Michelin-starred cuisine, the official G7 agenda masqueraded behind noble, pseudo-academic priorities. They discussed diversifying critical mineral value chains to counter Chinese dominance, securing maritime ports against drug trafficking, and launching an international initiative to fight cancer. Ironically, these humanitarian goals ensure that the global labor force remains healthy enough to be exploited before eventually being systematically replaced by automated AI algorithms. Through this critical lens, the Évian summit highlights how modern international diplomacy functions primarily as a high-stakes corporate board meeting disguised as democratic global governance. Ultimately, the G7 remains a theatrical illusion of leadership, managing global decline with exquisite corporate precision.
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