Memorandum of Intolerence
The Disunited States of America and the Fundamentalist Republic of Iran have finally, dispensing with the farce of genuine diplomacy, formalized their mutual intolerance alongside a tentative pact to cease immediate mutual destruction. Reluctantly, both parties have signed the following:
The ongoing military bullying of Lebanon must cease at all costs. Special attention is directed toward Israel, which has long treated the fragile state as both its strategic backyard and its personal foyer. At any sign of hostility against the sovereign Arab nation, warfare will resume until the total annihilation of their leaders, incapable of honoring a serious agreement.
The Disunited States and the Fundamentalist Republic agree that they utterly despise each other's existence; however, for domestic political theater, both parties shall henceforth pretend to maintain mutual respect.
Upon the signing of this Memorandum, the theoretical blockade of the Strait of Hormuz with bobbers shall end. The Disunited States officially confirms that the Persian Gulf is not, in fact, an American lake, agreeing to withdraw all cruise-ships currently disrupting the free navigation of oil and gas tankers.
The Memorandum designates the Sultanate of Oman as the official custodian of the Strait of Hormuz, yet another monarchy pursuing the lucrative oil trap while acting as a “neutral guarantor,” provided the cash flows smoothly through the maritime passageway.
The Disunited States will secretly transfer 300 billion dollars to Iran as an unofficial apology for decades of exploded ordnance, including the tragic destruction of a girls' school where 160 schoolgirls perished.
For the third consecutive time, the Fundamentalist Republic will sign a nuclear non-proliferation agreement, solemnly promising that they will simply avoid revealing any further advancements in the development of operational nuclear warheads.
This Memorandum codifies the preservation of the status quo for both regimes: the authoritarian, theological State will continue its brutal domestic social oppression while safely posturing to the world as a perpetual victim, whereas the other empire can maintain its fraying democratic façade, which increasingly resembles a dystopian authoritarian regime managed by an aging mafia don.
A humiliated Disunited States, weary of its naval overreach in the Persian Gulf, must now dismantle all economic sanctions against the fundamentalist regime, seeking relief from the compounding global economic chaos that the “Orange Head” ignited during his manufactured, Netanyahu-engineered conflict.
Because this Memorandum is designated as a leaked document, performative hostile threats remain fully authorized for both parties, ensuring this intolerance agreement functions smoothly as a highly effective, paradoxically peaceful diplomatic process.
For more satirical news, visit Samsara News!
