How To Lose My Noble & Monarchy Title

This is the blueprint guide on “how to lose your noble title in ten years". In it, you will find various steps to take if you, the aristocrat, are willing to step outside of the monarchy's boring way of life, complete with all its comfort, extravagant luxury, the help required even to wipe your own behind, and whatever else this echelon of society enjoys.

A good start is to contradict your own family, perhaps by bringing home a partner who falls outside the standard monarchical parameters. You know that he or she is going to alienate the family; and even if you’re not the direct heir to the throne, you must maintain the posture of a “king". However, despite your best efforts, your love for the forbidden fruit turns everyone against you. The outcome? Exile, and a few months later, divorce, because you simply couldn’t bear the real life of mortals.

Another way to lose your noble title is to place all your trust in your friends. First, ask yourself: who is a friend to the monarchy if not out of self-interest and convenience? Sometimes it’s good to throw away that excess of trust because sooner or later, when things go wrong, they’re all going to turn their backs and leave you with the problems.

In this case, the key point of the blueprint is to meet friends who represent an evil to society, whether they’re warlords, priests, drug dealers, gun shop owners, or the common denominator uniting them all: pedophiles. Yes, Epstein is back to mess with the monarchy, just ask Andrew Albert Christian Edward Mountbatten-Windsor, the former Prince and Duke of York. Here, your personality must play a role. Denying every encounter and behavior is going to be your main strategy when interviews with national and international networks enter the scene. You’ve to be very meticulous about your performance and sex-drivers in front of your family (they don’t know that you love to play the dog with sweet sixteen girls). You need to sound dull and naïve, denying any possible criminal behavior regarding the sexual assault of teenagers. Now, it might work out that, at some point, your family backs you up a little, but what if you share secret government documents?

So, having pedophile friends probably isn’t enough to lose your royal title and enter the mortals' haven. What the monarchy cares about most is the secrecy of their cult and their business, isn't it? Thus, we deeply encourage you to unfold any secret that the family has been hiding for centuries: like what really happened to Princess Diana; or why the Saudi Prince likes to kill journalists; or why Trump is the king without a throne in the United States; or whether monarchical families stem from marriages between cousins, which might explain why this elite loves underage people.

Former Prince Andrew went from losing his title to prison. In our step-by-step blueprint, we don’t advise taking it to that extreme, since freedom is always good when you want to go out for a beer without being noticed. Nevertheless, Andrew sought too much attention, and that’s not good for business, unless you want a bit of adrenaline, because we understand that aristocracy and monarchy can already feel like a jail filled with too many comforts and weird and criminal behaviors.

For more satiric news, visit our section Samsara News!