A Letter From Vladdi to Donny

To: Donald “The Napp-Toddler" Trump

From: Vladimir “The Godfather" Putin

Dictator and head of the Russian Mafia

Date: March 27, 2026

Subject: On the Crude Nature of Your Blockades and My Ships

My Dear Donny,

I watched your latest broadcast, lovely tie, by the way, where you blustered about Cuba's “gift registry." It is truly touching to see your childish obsession with the island remain so vibrant after all these years. However, your claim that Havana cannot receive “gifts" on our behalf is not just outrageous; it is a breach of etiquette in our refined circle of world leaders. It is, frankly, an act of “unprofessionalism" that threatens the very peace and security we have worked so tirelessly to undermine.

You see, Donny, the Russian Mafia State has issued a very specific kind of humanitarian aid. We have dispatched a cargo ship of the finest oil toward the island. A few days ago, Havana sent a signal for help; it seems your latest sanctions have left the Cubans in total darkness. As the self-appointed fathers of the communist mafia State status quo, we feel a certain paternal duty to keep the lights on, if only so the Cuban people can see the face of their next master.

I wish to be clear: this is merely oil, not missiles. At least, not yet. I appreciate your public assurance that the United States will not “invade" (a word you use like a toddler uses a forbidden toy), but we shall continue to supply the regime regardless of how many “infinite resolutions" the UN scribbles into their wastebins.

We must not allow this situation to deteriorate into a hotbed of tension suitable only for cable news ratings. If we pull too hard on the knot of war, we may find ourselves in a nuclear exchange that neither of us can monetize. So, please, be careful with your “deeds" in Iran; that sandbox is already full. We are ready to continue exchanging profits, regardless of NATO’s pearl-clutching. Let us maintain our beautiful status quo; there is still so much to bargain for.

With a firm, cold handshake,

Vladdi

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