Virtual Anti-Doping

As a devout signatory of the Virtual Anti-Doping Code, the MyWhoosh App, the digital coliseum for the modern, stationary gladiator, embraces its crusade against chemical enhancement with religious fervor. We have perfected the art of “clean” racing by encouraging the ultimate efficiency: creating an AI avatar to endure the agony of the race on your behalf, sparing your biological form the indignity of actual exertion.

Admittedly, the technical independence of our anti-doping surveillance is not yet absolute. Our panopticon suffers from a glitch of human ghosting; we remain tragically uncertain if you have physically drifted from your assigned GPS coordinates or if you have simply transcended the need for a physical location altogether.

We are similarly haunted by the ontological mystery of your identity: are we observing the “racer” listed on the subscription or a generous friend, a wattage-mule, lending their legs to your digital legacy?

To rectify this existential doubt, we demand your presence at your registered address from 6:00 AM to 12:00 AM. Since we lack the omnipresence of the gods to visit every basement dweller simultaneously, you must treat your home as a high-performance cell until the testing officer arrives to claim your tribute.

This delegation of “cyclists” by MyWhoosh stands as the crowning achievement in our commitment to indoor sports and enlightened sedentarism. It is our constant, masochistic challenge to ensure that while your avatar conquers the Alps, you remain perfectly, motionlessly effective.

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