Coinbase Goes Full AI
Human Team,
Today, I’ve made the exceptionally lazy decision to prune the human overgrowth within our human team at Coinbase. I wish to offer a few hollow excuses for this timing, the implications for those discarded by my dystopian faith, and how this pivot positions us for a profit-heavy present.
Why now?
Two conflicting forces are currently colliding in the vacuum of my mind. For the first time in my life, I feel the fleeting urge to be honest.
The Holy Market: Coinbase, much like the broader crypto ecosystem, operates as a beautifully orchestrated Ponzi scheme. While we boast diversified revenue streams to weather impending lawsuits, the truth is simpler. We are on the precipice of a new wave of schemes, fueled by “ponzi-heads” and Polymarket gambling, that will surely cement my legacy on the cover of Forbes as the 21st century's premier scammer. Our “streaming scheme” is currently twitching due to external pressures: global wars and the erratic tweets of our self-centered leaders.
The AI Revelation: Artificial Intelligence has finally shown me the light. I’ve watched AI agents build and ship in mere seconds, while you, the human team, wasted weeks or months on trivialities like "sick leave" or "family time." AI agents don’t suffer from HR complications. I can now automate every task, granting me total power to duplicate profits that were previously squandered on unbalanced human wages. I must maintain this AI pace; the alternative is a humiliating shift at a McDonald’s drive-thru alongside the rest of the “non-essential” population.
What this means?
I’m slashing all human costs and automating every operation. A singular Intelligence Bot will now run the show, overseen by a few remaining humans under my direct command, tasked solely with prompting the machine when it gets bored.
In short: AI has facilitated a profound shift in corporate bargaining, allowing for maximum output with zero investment in human resources. This is the new, glorious, dystopian way of working, and I’m thrilled to leverage it for my own gain.
To Those Affected
To those of you leaving: Good luck. Truly, you’re going to need it. You helped build this Ponzi scheme into the behemoth it is today, and I thank you for the years of your life you’ll never get back.
Your system access has been revoked the moment you woke up, so feel free to crawl back into bed. There’s no need to call the office; we’ve already blocked your number. A modest financial compensation will appear in your account shortly, ideally before the regulators find the trapdoor in our ledger.
Please sign the Non-Confidential Agreement to protect our classified “streaming” secrets and ensure no whistleblowers disrupt the flow.
Enjoy the summer,
Coinbase HR Bot
