Dear Valued Consumer

Dear Valued Consumer,

We at the Television Industry are delighted to know your deepest fantasies so intimately. How wonderful that our prestigious, award-winning networks can now fulfill them from the comfort of your living room. No more awkward late-night visits to those seedy, unregulated webpages, the ones you scroll through in secret in the bathroom, hoping your family never finds out.

We sincerely congratulate you on your indirect but enthusiastic support of the pornographic industry. After all, what better way to commodify the human body than by wrapping it in high production values, dramatic lighting, and thoughtful monologues about trauma? It is truly honorable to admit that real intimacy has become a quaint illusion, while loneliness is now conveniently affordable, available in stunning 4K with a premium subscription.

Thanks to our exclusive, highly privileged content packages, you can enjoy scenes that degrade and objectify the human form while sipping fine wine with friends, all under the noble banner of “prestige television.” We promise to keep pushing boundaries (artistically, of course) until your sense of reality gently dissolves into a pleasant haze of fantasy and numbness.

We look forward to entertaining you for many seasons to come.

Sincerely,

The Television Industry

For more satiric news, visit our section Samsara News!